Calm down!!!

I need to calm down.

Seriously, I need to take a deep breath and step back.

At the moment, I have my weekly/monthly to-do lists in my organization binder, a "Mommy-must" list on the fridge that has my projects, a list of appointments above the stove, my daily to-do lists in my planner, a school to-do list in my school notebook, and then a list of weekly goals tucked inside of my planner.

Let's count, shall we?

That is 1,2,3,4,5,6,7...count them...7...to-do lists.

Granted, some of them overlap a bit, but still...

Who in the hell needs 7 to-do lists?

I want everything to be perfect.

Now that I have motivation, I guess I am trying to make up for the lost years when I was a total loser.

I want my storage unit organized, I want all of my information organized, I want my apartment clean all of the time, I want to do fun, educational things with Whimzy, I want good grades, I want to expand my culinary horizons, I want to spend time with friends, I want to spend time with Ty, I want to plan my wedding, I want to read more, I want to keep up on laundry, I want to write a blog worth reading, I want to work-out, I want to never lose another document or picture because of my crappy computer, I want to spend time with my family, I want to go see my mom more, I want to call my dad more, and I WANT TO DOCUMENT IT ALL (which includes re-vamping my recipe-binder, taking pictures then printing them out and putting them in albums, and trying to save and organize all of Whimzy's little moments)!

 

See all of these things that I want to accomplish?  Most of them are ongoing battles that never end. 

I did not have any priorities before?

Well, now I have too many! 

The last two meals I ate, I was writing, scheduling, and making phone calls while I ate. 

And the worst part is that when I feel like I am not getting enough done, I flip out.  Or, if I feel like things are not going according to my plan, I have an anxiety attack.  Poor Ty.  He started our relationship with this unreliable, kind of crazy girl who loved to sleep til noon and spend all day drinking rum and watching pirate movies.  Now, he is with a more stable woman who can't seem to relax, but cooks him lots of food.  I am not sure if it is a good trade or not. 

I can do it all, I know I can.  But honestly I just feel like I am never going to be able to keep up with this vision of perfection I have in my head.  I feel guilty when I take time to cuddle with Ty in the morning.  I feel like there is so much more that I am just not doing that I should be doing, even more than my 7 to-do lists spell out.  I feel like even on my good days, I am failing. I feel like I should not feel overwhelmed.  So many people do so much more than I do and do it without acting like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  Why does it feel so hard?  Why do I feel like I need to make everything perfect?  Why can't I calm down, even just for a day? 

I am not really complaining.  I love my life.  I love that I have the chance to make up for my Lost Years (I think that is what I am going to start referring to the years of 2003-2011 as), but I obviously still need to take some major steps in coping and prioritizing.  Is that something else I need to add to my list of things I want? *sigh*

Well, I guess I can discuss this all with my therapist tomorrow and I really hope that I can maybe work through it, even if it takes a few sessions and some re-learning how to meditate.

 

Well, that is enough ranting for tonight, I have to go finish my to-do list...

 

<3